Make steel pans
I feel like my time is running out. Like my life is going to end soon.
I’ve got 48 hours until my life changes and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.
For my entire life, I’ve never been able to predict my future past being 20 years old, and I’ve always yearned to just reach that and told myself I would be able to die peacefully. The ages past 20 never concerned me because of a lack of ambition back then, and growing up as an African-American, I had close to no role models I could look up to, to make clear to me the options I could pursue after school.
I also grew up putting a large importance on having a purpose in life. My current state of mind is that if you’re not living to make an impact on something that will remain after you’re gone, what was the point of living. As a kid, I couldn’t find that purpose, hence, I was satisfied with dying at 20.
(I wonder if my mom knew she that at 20 years old, she was halfway through her life..
I hate Mother’s Day. Constant reminders and questions.)
So I’ll be leaving for the Navy in 2 more days…
(The Internet will slowly turn into a dump for people who actively create content and those who passively view and share that content with others)
…and I feel like the world when change after boot camp. Like, nothing will be the same. I suppose everything changes but leaving for boot camp, I feel like I’m going to lack the drive to come back into the world and start over again.
(Daft Punk’s new album is amazing…)
…and there’s so many things I want to do. I wanted to go on a 10 day nature trail/campout on the 31st of May with friends, there’s a dance at my church this Friday, other friends just got into Minecraft after I goaded them for months, I also have to teach them how to be better at Heroes of Newerth so we can wreck faces and finally start queuing in the 1600s since they’re stuck in the low 1400s. And I started remodeling my kitchen and my bathroom along with my uncle and we’re about 70% finished, but I won’t be here to see the finished product. I’m going to miss my co-worker’s wedding and I’ve made it so that I’ve broken most of my close connections with people here so that I have nothing to look forward to, if I chose to come back.
So I guess at 20 years old, this will be the end of Andre, and another life is soon to begin.
— Mr. Mutou
I feel like everything I do right now will have no long-term implications. The moment I leave for boot camp I will lose ties to all of my obligations, lose reservation to most social relationships besides immediate family, and concer myself only with creating new ones.
This has been a pattern in my life however, to not bother holding on to new ties and, except those one or two I deem important enough, and just forgetting te rest.
Funny thing though, I feel like if I had a car, it wouldn’t be that way, but I’m pretty sure it would.
The pursuit, I find troublesome and tiring so why force something that I’m waiting for a better opportunity and timing for?
People who say no one finds them attractive because the people who are attracted to them are considered ugly. Like fuck your myopic ass. I’m not saying you gotta fuck, date, or even like these people but that’s some self-destructive narrow minded shit. I mean you really shouldn’t base large portions of your self-esteem based off of the opinions of others, but you definitely should put your entire self-worth and esteem on 2-3 people you like staring at.
Funny how the closest thing I have to comfort (not counting my savior of course) is a person millions of miles away and is more dependable than so-called friends.